With most people finding news online major events, what Celebrity X did last night, and so on it’s imperative to make sure that the article you write contains as many errors as possible. This is important!
Improper use of the apostrophe
This one is vital. Use the apostrophe for plural nouns (writing “apples” as “apple’s”, for example). Confuse readers by writing “it’s” instead of “its”. (Example: “The lion was taken out of it’s cage for treatment.”) No bad article is complete unless the apostrophe is used incorrectly at least once. The more often you can do it, the more point’s you get. (See how easy it is?)
Use the wrong words
In a recent article about Mark Twain, the writer (whose article was proofread by an editor) stated that “Twain was writing for prosperity…” When several readers pointed out that the word is “posterity” and not “prosperity” (two words that sound similar, but have very different meanings), the article was corrected. Make sure that you do something similar. Do your part to decrease literacy! Never, never, study the English language!
Learn all the most common misspellings
Recently, Auburn defeated the University of Oregon in a highly-publicized game. The headline of the article stated, “Auburn eeks out a win over Oregon 22-19.” Several readers caught the misspelling and wrote that the word is “ekes”. Who cares, though? You’re supposed to be reporting the news, not contributing to the art of writing! The joyous thing about misspellings is that anything can be misspelled. Place names, for example. Have fun with it! The author of the Auburn headline receives extra credit for using a word that isn’t even a verb.
Confuse one word for another
This is similar to the point above. Many words are pronounced the same, but spelled differently. “Colonel” and “kernel”, to name one example. It is very important to use the word that is going to create the utmost chaos in your article. You want people to keep reading, don’t you? Think of it as a train wreck. It’s horrible, but somehow, you can’t look away. Remember this.
Never research your facts.
Just write. Who cares if an eleven-year-old reader finds twenty errors in the first paragraph? You’re the one getting paid to write the article! You don’t need to waste your time finding out who said what, or when, or what time an event occurred! Nobody cares! For sources, use your best friend’s neighbour’s dog’s second cousin’s girlfriend’s opinion. Thatz all u need.
Remember, dear readers, anyone can post online. If it’s posted, it will be read. Why make it entertaining, or logical, or coherent? U dont need 2 B rite about enything. Its 2 much trubble!
Also remember: People are paid to do this.